Editor’s Note: From time to time, I’ll be dusting off some older posts almost everyone in the world has yet to read. This was one of the fundamental posts that kicked off this substack that epitomize the main message I wanted to convey to anyone in the church with doubts, regrets, or raging curiosity. If you’re one of the few who’ve read this before, I hope it meets you with fresh eyes and an itchy share-button finger.

If I had it to do all over again, I’d completely reverse my approach.

When I realized for certain that I no longer believed, I attempted to sort of tell one person, flinched at their reaction to my vague expression of the faintest of doubts, and then proceeded to talk to precisely no one else about any of it for two years. When I finally left the Church, I announced it somewhat publicly.

If you are close to either juncture in your so-called deconstruction path, I realize you’re in no mood to be told what to do, but in the name of all that may or may not be holy I am begging you, do not do what I did at either point in my life.

To be or not to be? How about To whom?

Here’s the rub when it comes to talking to someone about your lack of faith and the realization that it’s more than just fashionable doubt: whom* are you supposed to talk to? If you talk to a Christian, they’re going to want to talk you out of it. If you talk to an atheist, they might show up in a getaway car. Agnostics are going to be pretty up front about not knowing what you should do. So if not them, who?

The obvious suggestion is a therapist. I’ve heard they help. I wish I would have talked to one . . . ever. I’m guessing it’s clear to anyone paying attention that I’ve never been to (solo) therapy. I can offer a few things to keep in mind as you consider a good audience for your thoughts:

• You have time. It’s natural to feel like you’re in crisis or this constant do-or-die/now-or-never mode. That’s not how life works. You can talk to someone right now. You can talk to someone in three weeks. You can talk to someone in 14 years.

• However you’re feeling, whatever you’re thinking, be honest with yourself. To some degree, just about everyone puts on some kind of mask for everyone else to see. This doesn’t make you a fraud, it makes you a human. Be honest with yourself about what you’re feeling. Be mindful of it. It isn’t necessary to judge your thoughts as good or bad. Just see them.

• You’re allowed to lurk on social media and various content platforms. On TikTok, YouTube, and across the various regions of the interweb, a lot of people are expressing thoughts and experiences somewhat similar to yours. In the Christian mindset, there’s a predisposition to view such people as opponents to fight and/or mission fields to convert. It’s a whole different experience to listen. It’s definitely worth it to really listen and let yourself feel the feelings you’ve been guarding yourself against.

• If you’ve been involved in the church for awhile, you may feel tempted either to follow a new charismatic voice with gusto OR to lurch away from anyone you find too appealing. It’s a natural impulse and a normal fear. As you become ready, allow yourself to listen to what people have to say and allow yourself to dwell on other things. Recognize any past tendencies to get obsessed and be aware of that old familiar feeling trying to take over again.

*I originally typed “who,” and I was really hoping to capture the feeling of self-correction and loathing I imposed on myself.

What happens if you talk to no one . . .

If you talk to no one (read this in your best If You Give a Mouse a Cookie voice) at some point you’re going to want to tell everyone. And if you talk to everyone, very quickly you’re going to want to go back to talking to no one.

When, after staying silent about it for years, you choose to go public with your deconstruction (or whatever you choose to call it) that is going to be interpreted (and rightly so, frankly) as an invitation for discussion. People who have been to similar crossroads are going to tell you which path they chose, and they’re probably going to recommend a book. I had two big problems with this:

• By making a big public announcement, I had put myself in the spotlight . . . a place I quickly realized I had no desire to be. Remember that crisis mindset I talked about earlier? Do-or-die, now-or-never? Yeah, that’s where I was when I “came out and spoke my truth,” and as it turned out I did not need to do that.

• After feeling like I was lying to myself for my whole life and then passively lying to everybody else for two years, I didn’t trust anybody. I didn’t even trust myself to listen to anybody. I especially didn’t trust what anyone else had taken the time to write and publish about their experiences or thoughts on spirituality. I couldn’t listen to or read a single word about God or the universe or chaos or faith without rolling me eyes.

I hope you never get to that point, but, seeing as though you’re reading this, I expect that either you have or you will. It’s a dark, callous, cynical place. But, for a spell, it really is okay to be there.

I spent many, many years just minding my business. Sometimes I would talk to people who were interested about what they believed and what I used to believe. But for the most part, I just stayed quiet. I let people believe what they wanted, and I didn’t put too much pressure on myself to set my faith in stone. It was nice. It still is nice.

I did find myself standing up for people when I saw the so-called faithful evangelists swooping in on their prey. (Trust issues and anger issues, I guess.) But for the most part, the thing I’m most grateful for over the years has been the assurance that I don’t need assurance. I don’t need anyone’s stamp of approval on my faith or lack thereof, and I don’t need to shepherd anyone. Wherever any one of us goes in our exploration of existence, we walk our own paths. I don’t need anyone to follow me to be there for them when they need someone.

It’s an enormous universe and a small world. There is always someone to talk to. There is always someone hoping you can listen.