God's Flood Apology

I’m not going to do a massive deconstruction of the biblical story of the flood or rabbit-hole into the various geological, logistical, age-of-the-earth questions that stem from discussing this cataclysmic event. I’m not even going to explore the moral question of explaining how you justify wiping out virtually all of creation because the people you just made turned out to be a bunch of poopie pants.

It’s not that I don’t think the debate about the morality of a god who would slaughter his own creation is worth having, it’s that the god in this story apologized for it. And I’m much less concerned with the moral implications than I am about how evangelical Christians apply this verse to the current state of the earth and the cataclysmic events we’re threatening to bring upon ourselves.

Wait, rewind, Adam. What’s this about God apologizing? Oh yes, here’s what I mean:

Maybe that doesn’t seem like a very good apology, but you’ve seen worse, right? Notice God didn’t say, “I’m sorry if anyone was hurt by the supernatural disaster I caused,” which, unlike the quote above, includes the classic I’m sorry phrase we expect to see in an apology. But the Noahic Covenant does include arguably the most important part of any apology: It will never happen again.

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Feel free to debate whether this constitutes a full apology. I know it falls short of truly expressing remorse, but it has its strengths:

• Promising it will never happen again is an acknowledgment that flooding the earth is in God’s control.

• Implied in the never again promise is an acknowledgment of the harm the divinely inspired flood caused on all living things.

• The covenant is one-sided; God doesn’t say, “I’ll never flood the earth as long as you don’t piss me off again.” He makes the promise without conditions.

• In lieu of flowers or jewelry, God gives the survivors of his abuse a rainbow as a reminder to both sides of his promise never to do this obviously wrong thing ever again.

Now, if you didn’t think God was perfect and good and the example for all humans to follow on every question of morality and wisdom, the promise to never again do what he just did would seem like at the very least a tacit admission that what he just did was not great. Someone who does think God is perfect and good, etc., etc. would undergo the mental gymnastics required to make excuses for their abuser say this was all part of the divine plan to redeem humanity and assure his chosen people of his desire to usher them into eternal communion with him at a much, much later date.

Fine. Whichever side of the Is this an apology argument you land, let’s consider the issue settled and move on to the more important one: What happens when you think a very real and very in-control God promised never to let flood waters destroy all life on the earth?

I’ll tell you what happens. When scientists come along and say, “Hey, you know those giant stores of frozen water located on either end of this spinning marble we’re gravitationally stuck to?” and we say, “Yeah, sure,” and they reply, “And you know this thing called a thermometer?” and we say, “Yup,” and they point to the 32-degree mark on the F side of the markings on that thermometer and ask, “And do you know what happens when frozen water’s temperature gets above this point right here?” and we say, “YES! I KNOW! I KNOW!” and that whole back and forth continues the way you know it will, people who believe God promised to never destroy the earth with a flood will not worry about it at. all.

It is and has been entirely predictable that a predominantly Christian society has been so easily convinced by people whose wealth depends on the sale of fossil fuels and the gullibility of the people who center their entire existence on it that climate change aka global warming is a false concern invented by godless heathens. And this is one of those deconstructive thought processes that cut through the bullshit for me long before leaving the faith.

My God would never do that . . . AGAIN.

Jesus will come back before that happens.

The sinful worldly system wants you to believe man is in control, but GOD IS IN CONTROL ALL CAPS EXCLAMATION POINT.

Rich people would never lie to us. Wealth is the surest sign of God’s blessing. 

That last one is always said nonverbally through actions, but it’s important to listen for it. It’s quite possibly the most frequently expressed and most consistently adhered-to tenet of the evangelical faith.

There are, I suppose, a lot of different ways I could go from here rhetorically. I could brainstorm ways to have meaningful discussions about climate change and environmental stewardship with hardline Christians. I could reflect about how these ideas have affected me throughout my life. But I think I’m going to settle on this:

Sigh.